Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Going

I woke up this morning at 4:30 to some short of a crash, couldn't find what it was, probably the vent thing on the roof that makes a racket when the wind catches it just right. But after that ordeal I couldn't go back to sleep so here I am at 5:08 blogging. What I want to talk about today is kind of one of those old posts where I don't talk about politics or baseball or pop culture but about me.

I have, for a while now, been kind of unhappy with my job. Not majorly unhappy, not threatening to quit, but just (to use the word I enjoy so much) malcontent. I think this may stem from job + being in grad school which while not super hard is quite time consuming + K not being happy at her job + my health issues (not major but majorly pricey to make sure it isn't majorly bad) + all the little stuff that life is just seemed to be piling up. I will admit that at time I get in "a funk", not super bad like some people but still I could call it life altering. Part of me that is screwed up is that I just can't "BE". I have to have what my wife calls constant stimulation as in being on the laptop with the t.v. remote in hand or more job related I have to have stuff to do or else I stalk around like a hungry bear. This has set me up for some good and bad habits as I have lots of goals but that makes direction difficult at times. It means I never really turn it down which is bad for my health and my mental health b/c there is always something left hanging and undone.

My little accomplishment are my walls that I break through, going towards some imaginary long-term ideal and when I achieve it seems like I just redirect myself to something else. (The thought of my mother telling me at 3 or 4 to finish coloring one sheet before starting on another one leaps to my mind with this.) This can probably best be seen with the fact that I graduated law school and then for no really apparent reason decided to take a 2nd bar exam (like one wasn't torture enough) which had a long-term possible benefit but no real practical benefit in the foreseeable future. I think library school is kind of the same boat but it has more practicality in that while it is taking 3 years it will allow me to move into a different, more high paying job. I wrestle with this thought b/c there is nothing inherently wrong with my job except for me. As I like to say "They pay me enough not to leave" plus my one full-time employee and my 20 or so part-time employees are all good people who I can pretty much trust in my absence to do what they are supposed to. I have the blessing and curse of having a hands off boss (which is better than meddlesome but I want some direction sometimes) and at least for now am in a pretty good place with my co-workers that I deal with on a regular basis. All this is said to say why in the hell do I feel compelled to keep chasing something else? Why can't I just be? I'm at the point where I need to finish Lib School, that is a given but that doesn't really go to the deeper issue.''

How does one figure out what makes them happy? I think if I just knew that I could go get it, I can achieve virtually anything I set my mind to with enough hard work and tenacity. (Think Andy Duphrane from Shawshank) But what I don't have that Andy did is the patience to realize the end result will come in time. They say patience is a virtue and I've never been the patient one, tenacious, calculating to a fault perhaps but patient, never. So after typing on this for almost 20 minutes I guess the conclusion reached is I need to keep with my goal setting and big picturing but work on patience and achieving a better level of happiness. I know that sounds kind of pie in the sky but on some level I have it really good compared to most people. I'm not hungry, I have a roof, I'm relatively healthy, and God has given me enough brain power to do what a lot of others can't as evidenced by all the schooling and how it comes fairly easily to me as opposed to some. I have been blessed, not cursed and just have to keep remembering that and keep pushing forward with a quiet, patient resolve b/c in the end hard work will pay off even for the unlucky (There is an element of luck BUT all you can control is all you can control)

I will also include that if you have experience overcoming these type issues I welcome any input and conclude with an apology for wasting your time reading this as this just a personal outlet, a system of talking with myself through my fingers.

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